Issues of Post Game Crossovers Zelda and Naruto
by noctisxsol
Summary: Link has defeated Ganondorf and after going back to his original time had to deal with the affections of all his female friends. So he took a vacation to adventure in the Elemental Nations. He should have know that his girl problems would happen over there too. Unwanted Harem x Link. Other Pairings Later.
1. Link to the OverPowered

The Issue with Post-Game Crossovers; LoZ/Naruto

Chapter 1;Link to the Over-Powered

 **This will be a series of connected one-shots featuring Link from the Legend of Zelda, (complete with all of his items and upgrades from every game,) in the Naruto world. This is meant to be a parody of bad cross-overs, and will feature a vastly overpowered Link amassing a(n unwanted) harem, and a Naruto who is slightly more mature. This is not mean to be taken seriously. I don' own the Legend of Zelda or Naruto. Enjoy Reading.**

 **Naruto's generation is aged three years so that Link can be the same age as them and have flirting from the older kunoichi not be quite so weird.**

"speech" " _thought"_ **"Giant Summons, Bijuu, Bosses"** 'Link Speaking'

Get it? Got it? Good!

-Random Idyllic Glade somewhere in the Land of Fire—

A girl with vibrant red hair slumped onto one of the giant tree trunks that filled the forests surrounding the Hidden Leaf Village. The scraps of her clothes did nothing to hide the seal on her neck and the flute in her belt. "Three days… I bet the snake… fucker… doesn't even know… I'm gone."

"Ku ku ku. I knew the moment you cast the genjutsu on your partners. And I can't stand traitors."

The girl's eyes shot open and she leapt away from the pale faced man who seemed to appear from nowhere. She choked on her fear and nearly suffocated under the killing intent, but managed to force out a question. "How?"

"You thought you were so clever, casting a genjutsu to fool your partners into thinking you were silently brooding behind them, and then tying scraps of your clothes to animals to create false trails, all without using any chakra to give away your position. You though you could run to the Leaf Village and ruin my plans. But you forgot two very important things." The man moved faster than the eye could see and began to strangle the girl. "I am the Sannin Orochimaru, and I own your body. I have no use for a puppet that doesn't obey me." A snake came out of his mouth and constricted the girl. "You'll be used for one last experiment. Ku ku ku ku."

Despite the pain racking her body, the woman still mustered a last bit of resistance and spit in his face. "Fuck you up the ass with a rusty kunai."

"Tsk Tsk. You always were letting you mouth get you into trouble Tayuya. I think I may have to fix that."

Right before the coiling serpent began to force its way into her mouth a loud battle cry echoed throughout the woods. A young man in a green tunic leapt down from the tree tops and drove his sword through the snake's head and the Sanin's arm, killing the summon and pinning Orochimaru. Faster than the eye could see, another blade appeared and decapitated the Snake summoner. The snake was engulphed in a blue flame, but the body was untouched. The man walked over to the corpse with sword ready, but was caught by surprise when the ground under body exploded into a sea of snakes. Tayuya turned her face so she wouldn't have to see the death of her savior, but turned back when a searing heat struck her. When she looked she saw her hero standing tall over the burning corpses of the serpents.

Before there was time to relax, a crashing sound came from the forest and a giant purple snake lunged at the new threat. Tayuya forced herself away, but the blonde man in the tunic stood his ground and snapped his finger. A large barrel of gunpower appeared in his hand, complete with lit fuse. The blonde threw the powder keg, then executed a perfect backflip to bring him just out of reach of the serpent's jaws. The summon only realized its mistake too late, and the explosion was strong enough to send a splinter of bone into its brain.

The man pocketed the building sized head of his latest victim and turned to his damsel in distress. His hand was halfway extended to help her up when he quickly drew it back and drew his sword. Orochimaru's signature blade came within inches of piercing his chest, but the swordsman's skill reversed the momentum of the Kusanagi. One second later a furious should was heard, filled with indescribable rage that he had lost his arm again. Paying it no mind, the blonde turned back to the rescued maiden and saw something that made him feel fear for the first time since he had entered this land.

-Link's Perspective—

The Hero of Time was having a nice easy day. The forest he was traveling through had barely any monsters and the woods didn't even try to confuse him. None of the enemies were any challenge, and the miniboss even went down in one hit. There was no enemy that could come close to matching him in this forest.

But standing in front of him was one of the few things he could not defeat, and he was utterly terrified.

The girl had hearts in her eyes. She was already in stage three of Fangirlism. He had exactly two point six seconds before she would attempt to glomp him, and point three seconds before the squee was unleashed. If she were allowed to confess her love (which would happen after exactly 23.5 seconds of vicious hugging) she would progress to stage four and then there would be no hope.

He put away his weapons (they were immune anyway) and pulled out his ocarina to call Epona. The horse was too slow. The girl was airborne before the hero was even at his steed's side. He tried to dodge with a last second side hop, but she inexplicably changed direction midair and brought him to the ground. Desperately gasping for air, Link pulled out a strange device and fired it at a nearby tree. The switch-hook1 grabbed a convenient log, and he was swapped with the log through time and space, leaving him free. The moment his feet hit the ground he switched to the Pegasus boots2 and hauled ass to his destination.

-Leaf Village Gate—

The two gate guards of the village were having a boring day watching nothing try to approach the village, and wishing for some excitement.

They also had apparently never heard the phrase, "Be careful what you wish for…"

"Kotetsu, what's that sound?"

"Stop getting my hopes up Izumo, there's nothing there."

"No, there really is a sound. It's like… feet scuffing the ground at an insane speed."

"Don't be absurd, nothing interesting ever happens on these watches. I'm gonna go grab lunch, and you can prepare a report about that mysterious noise for shift end."

"No, really, it's getting closer!"

"I'm not falling for you making a sound to get me to give up the comfy seat so you can take it AGAIN! I'm grabbing lunch, and I'm taking my chair with me!"

Izumo watched his partner leave, and felt a sense of illogical dread overtake him. Then he heard the cry of utter terror that was accompanying the other sound. Ten seconds later a silhouette appeared on the horizon, and crashed into the wall to the left of the open gate.

The boy shook himself off and marched to the gatehouse. The two stared in silence for a minute.

Izumo finally cleared his throat. "Umm, can I help you?"

The boy threw up his hands in defeat, then pulled out a wanted poster and pointed to the summons subsection of the Leaf's second most hated traitor. Before the guard got the wrong idea, he pulled out the Snake boss's head and let it float and turn above his hands.

When Kotetsu returned, he found a destroyed guard starion, and a very sheepish blonde kid bound hand and foot.

-Hokage Tower—

"Now Naruto, the pranks have gotten out of hand. I understand that you feel like you need to take revenge for stores giving you poor service, but adding trip wires and paint traps through Mr. Shiitake's store is no way to respond. You're sixteen now, and everyone in your age group will be graduating to genin tomorrow. You need to take your education more seriously if you want to take over after me. I'm handing you over to Iruka, he'll-"

A knock on the door and his secretary's voice interrupted him. "Sir, there's a blonde kid with blue eyes here to see you."

The Hokage paled in fear and looked at the boy in front of him. "Naruto, did you manage to find some way of multiplying yourself?"

Receiving a shake of the head as his answer, Hiruzen took the next most logical step and ordered that the other blonde be sent in. The moment the door opened he sent two kunai to scratch the cheeks of the two boys in an attempt to dispel any illusions and reveal a possible infiltrator.

Naruto responded as usual and went into a panic a second after he received the cut, but the other blonde casually reflected the thrown knife with a shield. The Hokage settled into a combat stance, but relaxed once he took in the appearance of the young man. While a quick glance could perhaps mistake him for Naruto, or for the Fourth Hokage, the differences were obvious. The stranger's hair was far too neat, and a shade duller, and the green tunic with strange hat certainly couldn't have come from Naruto's closet. Then there were the ears. The elfin, triangular ears were certainly unique to their visitor. In short, if he was supposed to be an infiltrator, then he was doing a terrible job of it.

While Hiruzen was spending time carefully analyzing the newcomer, Naruto decided to take action. He perched on the back of his chair and stared down the other blonde. "Who are you? Why do you look like me? Are you secretly my cousin? Are you trying to imitate me cuz' I'm so awesome? I'm gunna' be Hokage one day, Believe it!"

In response Link, stared back with a look as if he were solving a puzzle. After about ten seconds he pulled out a piece of paper and drew a bunch of lines that eventually connected their names.

After giving the bare bones family tree to his fifth cousin, three times removed (Hyrule kept amazing genealogical records) Link turned to the leader, sitting behind the desk. He held out the letter written by Zelda and signed by her father outlining a trade alliance between Hyrule and whichever land their hero found himself adventuring in.

Hiruzen accepted the document while Naruto was quiet, both trying to understand the meaning of the papers they were given. Hiruzen was the first to finish. He set the letter down and sent Naruto to wait outside. Once the door was closed he fixed the Hylian in a fierce stare. "Did you know that this letter that is supposed to be a trade contract includes a request to train you?" a nod. "And are you aware that part of the payment we receive is your services as long as you are learning from us?" another nod. "Then would you also happen to know that we are also given authority to force you to, quote, add anyone to your harem who shows interest?" A moment of silence.

'SHE SAID WHAT!' The formerly silent boy burst into a cold sweat as a shadow in the corner of the room moved in response to his melodic voice. 'nonononononono, she can't have done this to me. She told me she wasn't going to force me again.' Link tensed up as his senses flared into high alert, but he knew it was too late.

A woman wearing nothing but a partial mask, an open trench coat, and some mesh draped herself on his back. She stuck out her tongue to tease one of his ears as her hands decided to explore under his shirt. "Is the little elf scared. Don't worry" She moved her mouth to his twitching ear before giving it a teasing bite. "Big sis Anko will take care of everything, so you can relax and enjoy."

"ANKO! Stop tormenting our guest and return to your post!"

The kunoichi stuck out her tongue, but obeyed. Meanwhile, the hero was lamenting his "terrible curse". _'The goddesses enjoy my suffering, don't they.'_

Meanwhile, in a heaven beyond the sacred realm, the three golden goddesses as well as not a few of the lesser female deities whom Link had charmed all put their hands up in an attempt to appear innocent, scattering popcorn and other snacks, as well as revealing some sticky fingers.

Back in the Leaf Village, Hiruzen gave a heavy sigh and took a large puff from his pipe. While he certainly wouldn't object to the creation of a trade agreement with another nation, nor would he pass up on the creation of a new clan to make up for the Uchiha, that would mean that he would be approving of giving someone a legal harem, and he was sure that no matter the circumstances, his wife would beat him senseless once he reached the afterlife. Finally, he decided to put it off until he had more information. "Naruto… I mean… I'm sorry, what was you name?"

'Link Hyrule.' Anko almost moved out of her post again at the sound of the boy's voice, and only refrained because of the other ANBU guards physically holding her back.

"Right then. Link Hyrule, I have come to a decision. Our Genin exams are tomorrow, and we'll get a baseline for your skills then, and decide how or what to train you after that. Until then, relax, and prepare as you see fit. The terms of trade will be negotiated later." Once Link had left the room, the Hokage wrote a letter to his old student and gave it to a summon to hand along. With preparations for the next day done, he leaned back into his chair and let the ominous sense of impending doom wash over him as he watched their visitor stop to help one of the Uchiha's fangirls get her kitten out of a tree and reminisced about his youth.

- **Chapter End** -

This was inspired by a quote that I once heard. "Mary sues are not defined by how easy their challenges are, but rather how easily they overcome them." That got me thinking, and since I am having problems with my other stories since I haven't been able to see my muse, I decided to do another side project.

I chose Link and Naruto, since Legend of Zelda is my favorite game series and Link is such a fun character to write. I mean, so long as he is courageous, personality is a near blank. That led me to one of Link's outstanding talents, gathering girls. Over all his games, he has gathered the most girls out of any single video game character. And the point of the game isn't even to get those girls, it just happens. Adol Christin from the Ys series is close, but he bats one or two girls a game, while Link beats Adol's total from Seven games between Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask. But the real clencher was the fangirls from Twilight princess. They inspired me to inflict Naruto level fangirls on the poor Hero of Time.

But Naruto really does have some of the most extreme and illogical fangirl levels I've seen in anime. And this is for generic broody dark Sasuke. How bad will it be for someone with pheromone levels of seduction. Hero mode, go!

Link's inventory Index

1: switch hook; found in Oracle of Ages, swaps the places of the person firing and the object hit. Works kind of like the substitution jutsu, except slightly slower and no cool puff of smoke.

2: Pegusus Boots; first found in Link to the Past. Makes link run super fast in a straight line. No limit to how far can be run with these boots, but hitting something at those speeds can shake large trees and destroy weak walls.


	2. Jiraiya gets involved

The Issue with Post-Game Crossovers; LoZ/Naruto

Chapter 2; Jiraiya gets Involved

 **This will be a series of connected one-shots featuring Link from the Legend of Zelda, (complete with all of his items and upgrades from every game,) in the Naruto world. This is meant to be a parody of bad cross-overs, and will feature a vastly overpowered Link amassing a(n unwanted) harem, and a Naruto who is slightly more mature. This is not mean to be taken seriously. I don' own the Legend of Zelda or Naruto. Enjoy Reading.**

 **Naruto's generation is aged three years so that Link can be the same age as them and have flirting from the older kunoichi not be quite so weird.**

"speech" " _thought"_ **"Giant Summons, Bijuu, Bosses"** 'Link Speaking'

Get it? Got it? Good!

-Gate of the Leaf Village, One week After Genin Exams—

Jiraiya strolled into his home, planning on taking a relaxing peep in the hot springs of the peaceful village before seeing his old teacher for whatever the old man needed. But what he found was not the peaceful scene he was expecting. First of all, the village gate was now adorned with the head of his old teammate's most powerful summon, placed as if he were eating those leaving the village. Then he saw Inoichi, racing back to his hobby flower shop leading a cart filled with pots and vases. The blonde didn't stop to talk to anyone, not even his old teammate Shikakku, who was sitting by the side of the road muttering something about mowing the lawn. His way was soon blocked by a herd of genin age boys trying to imitate gui. When he finally arrived at the hot springs and found a peephole, none of the girls were soaking in the water, or even in towels. Rather, they were looking through of attempting to make, peepholes of their own. Thoroughly frightened by this turn of events, he fled the scene and raced to the Hokage tower. He brushed past the daydreaming secretary and burst through the doors, as he couldn't even trust windows after what he had just witnessed.

Old man Sarutobi was sitting in his chair reading one of the Toad Sage's own books. At least something was still right with the world. "Sensei, what the hell is going on?!"

Hiruzen snapped the book shut and glanced behind him out the window. He saw a mob of women spontaneously gather and attempt to chase after a certain blonde Hylian. Nothing unusual then. "Many things have happened since you were last here. What do you want to know in particular? New seals were added to the hot spring that make holes fill themselves in automatically, if that's what's making you panic."

"No! It was those girls! They were acting like they were crazy. It was against the Natural Order! They were the ones trying to peep on the men's side! How did this madness come about?"

The Third Hokage gently put down his book and hugged his sobbing student. "You obviously don't know about our new guest. You'll meet him soon and everything will make sense."

-Flashback, Genin Exam, Link's Perspective—

Link began his day by being woken by a frantically preparing Naruto, with whom he was sharing upscale apartment (bankrolled by the bounty on Manda). The Hylian briefly considered trying to convince his fellow blonde of the benefits of sleeping fully clothed on top of the covers, but decided to leave it as a topic for another day. They arrived at the academy late, were scolded by the instructor, and told to answer some questions. The different writing systems were a bit of a problem, but he was allowed to use the Book of Mudora to translate. He had spent his previous afternoon gathering information from all of the villagers, so even the history questions were no problem. When he finished the last question he turned over his sheet and whistled a simple mysterious but happy tune.

After the test was a physical display. Apparently, the students were supposed to force each other out of the circle that was drawn on the ground. A black-haired student challenged him, but Link was busy trying to figure out why the boy's hair looked wrong. When the other student came close enough to throw a punch, Link finally realized that it was tickling his memory of a certain ancient painting of a red haired man. The mystery finally solved, Link dodged the punch and got to work fixing the black haired boy's hair into an over-the-top pompadour (the hair dye would have to wait). The battle to fix his hair was hard fought. The boy wouldn't stay on the ground, and kept trying to show off with wasteful moves. Finally, Link just grabbed his leg and slammed him into the ground to stun him. Unfortunately, the boy was weaker than expected and passed out. Some girls were worried about the black haired boy, but he gave them some life advice, and things seemed to be better for them, if only slightly.

After those came the hardest part for him, choosing which of his myriad of weapons to show off at the shooting range. He actually had to go last, spending the time everyone else was throwing to set out each of the variations of his weapons that he had gathered over the years of his travels. So many choices… Should he use the classic bow, the fairy bow, the hero's bow, the sacred bow, the nice bow… Should he just use normal arrows, or fire arrows, or ice, or bomb, or even light… does the hotshot warrant display…what about the boomerangs… Should he use any of his magic… There were so many choices! When he was called to display, he made a snap decision to just use all of them, and gave a quick tour of his ranged armaments.

Finally, there was a test for a thing they called "ninjutsu." He was able to do the same things that they could with his tools, but figured that he would learn their way anyway. After all, Impa at the very least would be interested in some of the skills.

After the test, he went out to do some more exploring and find some way to restore the magic that he used in the test. Unfortunately, he didn't pay attention to the crowd of girls following him…

-Genin Exam, Iruka's view—

The day started out with such promise, where did it all go wrong? It was supposed to be the chance for his students to show how much they had grown, and impress their teachers. They were supposed to prove that they could take what the world outside the village could do. Instead, one third of the class decided to spend at least another year studying and practicing, and another third outright gave up.

It was all due to the new blonde that showed up. Naruto introduced him as his cousin, which nearly led to the visitor giving away the secret of Naruto's parents when some of the students challenged. Fortunately, the teachers were able to bring order before it came to that, but at least one student began to suspect things.

Then came the written exam. The elf-eared boy didn't write in the same system and had to use a book to translate, which nearly led to a riot of other students trying to change it to open book. Then he made the whole class look like fools by completing the test in record time, and getting a perfect score, despite the translation and only being in the village for a single day.

The taijutsu test wasn't any better. Sasuke challenged the newcomer immediately, and the match started before anyone had the time to properly explain the rules. The fight was a disaster. Sasuke was doing his best, but was unable to land a single meaningful it against the blonde, all while the elf was not even trying to fight, but rather do something to the Uchiha's hair. After five minutes of unequal stalemate, the Hylian apparently decided to end the match. His hand struck quicker than a snake and latched onto Sasuke's exposed leg and slammed him six inches into the concrete, and was actually surprised that the Uchiha heir didn't get up.

Predictably, Ino and Sakura both tried to help their crush, but fell to squabbling over who actually got to help him. The foreigner cut in, apparently having been informed of their past by Naruto, and with one line cause the whole of the Leaf Village academy to be turned upside down.

'It isn't good to make enemies out of friends, especially over matters of the heart.'

Link didn't stay to see the results of his actions, but the teachers were there.

"Ino. He's right. I'll give up on Sasuke, and help you get him. I'll find someone else and you can support me getting him."

"No, Sakura, I'll give up on Sasuke, and you can have him. I've been way too pig-headed about this."

The pseudo-polite struggle went on for a while, both of them knowing whom the other had already chosen for "someone else", before they actually came to a decision.

"Okay, so, I'll go for Sasuke Monday to Wednesday at 3 O'clock PM, and Saturdays, and I'll support you for Sasuke Wednesday afternoon to Friday night and Sundays. In return, You support me for whoever else I want the times I support you for Sasuke, and vice versa. Harem acceptable, but the first one asked to be added gets first pick on date times. Flowers from my family shop not included for helping you chase after anyone other than Sasuke."

"And I can't be expected to be you wing-girl and go on a date with Naruto so your alone with anyone other than Sasuke. Agreed. And we tell none of the Sasuke fan-club that we aren't actually going for his anymore, to reduce competition."

"And we quietly head the SomeOne Other Fanclub for the sharing of any weaknesses found, and to control any competition."

Of course, those two were just the highest profile converts. At least seventy-fiver percent of Sasuke's fangirls changed over to fawning over the long-eared hero. And the quarter that didn't then changed over when they saw his display of ranged skills. He went last, and obviously spent all of that time planning his spectacle. He began simply, nailing the bullseye with normal arrows fired from bows that was able to swap between at a moment's notice. That would have sufficed. But the hero took no half measures. The charge arrow was first, and it tore through the target. Then he fired three arrows at once and hit all three bullseye. The escalation increased with three bomb arrows, three ice arrows, three fire arrows, and three light arrows. By the end of that display, the academy was down seven targets, but that was just the first phase.

Phase two started with flinging himself all over the target range with strange devices that he called "hookshots" all the while leaving dents in other targets from boomerangs that he threw with unerring accuracy. Another target was decimated when he somehow managed to throw a spiked iron ball while zipping around. But the most shock and awe came from his "spells". Without any preparation, he shot fire and ice from sticks in his hand. And just to show off, when he finished with one target still intact, he held up his sword and sliced it clean in half from twenty feet away. To put the cherry on top, once he finished destroying the targets, he turned to face the awe-struck crowd, gave a small bow, and thanked them for watching as if the display was his first concert.

After that debacle, the ninjutsu test went by without a hitch. Sure he could do a version of the basic jutsu already, but he wasn't disruptive about it, and he was willing to learn. That would have helped settle things, but it just made the girls more frantic to get at him. When he left a number of teachers begrudgingly decided to follow, to prevent any riots or disasters that the boy may cause.

-Report End—

-Hokage Tower—

"After that, Link went around for the rest of the afternoon, helping women with their grocery bags, getting cats out of trees, teaching some children how to fish, and cutting down every single weed that he found with extreme prejudice."

"So you're telling me that a long-eared clone of Naruto's just waltzed in and seduced almost the entire female population of the village in under a week to the point that they are peeping on him? And he made Itachi look like the special child in the family? Forgive me if I'm skeptical."

A weird popping sound signaled the appearance of the blonde in question. After checking out the room with a strange eyeglass he nodded and turned to the two shinobi legends. 'It's true. It's happened before and it isn't my fault. Mostly. By the way, Hokage, do you mind if I use the Scroll of Seals? Mizuki wanted me to steal it as a test and I wondered if I could learn a few techniques before giving it to him.'

Both of the elder shinobi were stunned silent. Hiruzen because Link had apparently just casually strolled into his office while invisible without tripping any alarms and was obviously able and about to steal the scroll of Seals.

Jiraiya was silent for a very different reason, and that was the fact that he was a sage and Link was casually drinking a bottle of liquid nature chakra. "Link… Stand very still and set down the bottle."

Link tilted his head in confusion, but put down the half empty bottle. Jiraiya quickly but carefully ran through the signs for summoning and called forth one of the Toad Sages. The toad was obviously in the middle of a conversation, but cut himself off when he noted that he was summoned. "Come Now Jiraiya boy, can't you give me some more warning before summoning me, I was talkin' with Ma and- what in the name of Mt. Miyazaku is goin' on here?"

"This is Link. As near as I can tell, he was drinking a liquid form of Nature chakra."

"That's impossible! Chakra aint visible and it aint solid! Not only that, there aint a way for anyone to drink it straight and not be stone!"

Link picked the bottle back up and swirled the contents. 'It's nothing other than what's in the magic decanters you can find when cutting long grass. I once drank a whole cauldron of this stuff when I had to clear the fairy queen of a curse. Other than how a mild stomachache, I didn't feel anything wrong.'

"You've been drinking… spit that out b'fore ya turn ta stone!" The diminutive frog tried to hit the blonde on his head, but his stick broke just before touching him.

'That was rude. It took off a quarter of a quarter of a heart, too.'

The toad stared in amazement. "Just what are you, boy?"

'I am Link of Hyrule, Hero of Time, chosen champion of the goddesses Hylia, Din, Nayru, and Farore, and blessed by Palutena, and about forty more who want me to serve them. I am a sworn brother to the Gorons, engaged to the Zora Royalty, favored Child of the Forests, champion to the Gerudo, honorary Sheika, beloved of the Fairies, and the crown prince of Hyrule. I have traveled many lands and saved many people, and gathered skills and equipment to boggle the mind. I have defeated every foe who has been placed in my path. And despite all of that, am still incapable of telling a girl "no"'.

The two mean and a toad were stunned by the list of his achievements, but Jiraiya broke the atmosphere. "You know, that doesn't really explain anything."

'Come on, do you want me to go into the tale of how the goddesses came to me in the night and "blessed" me to be the friend of all living things after defeating a dark god. Or how the Goddess of Love decided to "bless" my voice after I bent time into a pretzel so two lovers could be together. Could you please leave these blessings at face value so I don't somehow find that I have been cursed by them?'

Jiraiya sat with a pad and pencil at the ready. "Yes, actually, if you could. I'll even give you fifteen percent of the profits, since I'm a bit short on inspiration at the moment."

At that moment, and unbreakable bond was formed. A bond consisting of over-eager, perverted teacher, and unwilling (make that actively resisting) Learner in the fine art of enjoying women. Sadly the student seemed set on failing, but Jiraiya was such a great teacher that he could teach even such an unwilling.

Godesses us all if he succeeds.

- **Chapter 2 done** —-

My muse visited, and I think I just may be able to plow through and finish New game Plus. No promises though.

And at last the truth comes out! The real reason that Link doesn't speak is because his voice is just too sexy for this world. It is the only explanation! Next chapter- Countermeasures! Link starts on the long and arduous quest of NOT having girls fawning over him! Can he pull it off? Probably not. Poor Link. Imagining him running from his girls is just too amusing to me.


	3. Teammates

The Issue with Post-Game Crossovers; LoZ/Naruto

Chapter 3; Team Mates (Or: more proof that Link cannot catch a break)

 **This will be a series of connected one-shots featuring Link from the Legend of Zelda, (complete with all of his items and upgrades from every game,) in the Naruto world. This is meant to be a parody of bad cross-overs, and will feature a vastly overpowered Link amassing a(n unwanted) harem, and a Naruto who is slightly more mature. This is not mean to be taken seriously. I don' own the Legend of Zelda or Naruto. Enjoy Reading.**

 **Naruto's generation is aged three years so that Link can be the same age as them while having flirting from the older kunoichi not be quite so weird.**

"speech" " _thought"_ **"Giant Summons, Bijuu, Bosses"** 'Link Speaking'

Get it? Got it? Good!

-Leaf Village Academy, Three minutes before teams are announced—

Link clung desperately to the ceiling, doing his best to pay attention to the speech being given by the teacher while still keeping his chakra adhesion perfectly controlled. This was a common occurrence as it was his preferred manner of avoiding accidentally ensnaring any other girls during long speeches ever since he had traded some stories for training from the scar faced teacher.

As the finishing speech was wrapping up, a window near the front suddenly shattered and a black ball came hurling in. Two kunai were thrown out of the ball of cloth and it unwrapped to reveal a messily scrawled banner and a woman in a tan trench coat wearing an undersized green tunic underneath. "Team Anko, Let's go! Sword boy, Porcelain doll, other snake bitch! Front of the forest of death. Later than five minutes and I get started without you!"

As Anko grabbed and bodily carried him out the window with his two teammates close behind, Link had to sigh and contemplate what bought him to this situation.

-Flashback, Next day after meeting Jiraiya—

Link stared accusingly at his distant cousin over while being carried over the super-pervert's shoulder. Naruto was the cause of his current state, namely, stripped to only his hat, tied up, and on route to the hot-springs.

The son of the Fourth Hokage averted his eyes guiltily, but couldn't remove the smile off of his face. Naruto had failed the initial test, but Jiraiya had given him a field promotion to genin for agreeing to a hare-brained plot to somehow catch the Hylian and throw him into the women's hot spring for "research."

Naruto had proven his worth by managing to both set up the trap that immobilized Link, and well as forcing him into the trap through the use of the "Sexy Jutsu."

"Heh heh heh. You did a good job kid, I'm sure your father would be proud."

"You knew my dad? Who was he? Was he awesome like the Fourth Hokage? I bet he was totally awesome, Dattebayo!"

"Umm, yeah. Hey, look over there, a distraction."

"What?"

"I'll teach you two jutsu if you drop it, Okay Brat?"

"Three jutsu and you have to give me ramen."

"Two jutsu and ramen for three days."

"Hah, jokes on you! I eat my weight in ramen for breakfast!"

'If I treat you to ramen, can I go free?'

"Don't answer him Naruto. No, you can't. If I let you go, my reputation was a super-pervert would remain forever hollow. I just can't let a healthy young man not try to make a harem for himself."

'What if I told you that I would doom the entire human race to an eternity of slavery and civil war if I made that harem?'

"It would still be worth it for a man to achieve the dream of all men!"

'There is no hope for you.'

"Hey, there has to be some reason beyond being his teacher that Minato made me Naruto's godfather."

Naruto stopped in open mothed awe as the pieces began to fall into place. Fortunately for Jiraiya, they had already arrived at their destination, so he was able to toss the Hylian hero over the wall and focus on worming his way out of trouble with his godson.

That was also fortunate for Link as well, as he was given the chance to escape unnoticed. He summoned a hotshot from his hat (where he keeps his favorite items) and flipped himself to point his bound hand toward a tree branch that would carry him clear. One shot later and all of the girls down below were very disappointed.

Clear of the immediate danger, Link made the probably wise decision to lay low for a bit. He pulled out his ocarina and played Epona's song. His ever-reliable horse appeared carrying a writhing redhead on her back who soon fell to the ground. Link gave the horse a weak glare before investigating what was wrong with the stowaway.

It didn't take long to locate the cursed mark on her neck. Without a moment's hesitation, he pulled out a light arrow and plunged it into the source of the evil. The sacred light destroyed the root of the affliction, but the marks spread out, their evil permeating her body. With no choice but to save the girl's life, Link pulled off her outer dress and the black one piece that she wore underneath. He chased every thread of corruption and completely purified her of corruption.

Once she was clean, he covered her with one of Epona's blankets and was about to leave, but the goddesses apparently really wanted for him to be thanked for his good deed. The girl regained consciousness as soon as he finished settling her in, and sat up, letting the blanket covering her fall away. And also, Link didn't have time to re-dress himself.

Thus the situation that Tayuya awoke to was thus; She was naked and wrapped in a blanket that only covered her lower half. Across from her was a naked blonde whose body was very obviously enjoying the view. Normally a girl would either be frightened or angry, but the red-head recognized her savior from a week ago, and could already feel the absence of the curse seal. To make matters worse, the perverted Toad sage could be heard arguing with his godson in the area, making escape unlikely and unwise.

Suffice to say, Link did not get away unrewarded. Tayuya had picked up the Kusanagi after Orochimaru left it behind (due to lack of an arm) and gladly gave it to her savior.

Then she tried to give him her body and he refused. But she somehow learned to give puppy-dog eyes, so he consented to cuddling. She took it to mean groping, and things slowly escalated.

When Link finally came back to the main part of the village, it was midnight and he was carrying a knocked out redhead with a triforce emblem on her neck, both of them hastily clothed. The blonde made it back to his apartment and placed the girl in his bed before proceeding to pass out next to her. That was how the ANBU who came to investigate the rumors found them. And said ANBU just happened to be a certain Snake's former apprentice. The meeting went worse than expected, with Tayuya becoming surprisingly clingy in her sleep, and Anko knowing the name and face of every one who is known to associate with Orochimaru.

Of course, once an explanation was given, Anko stripped and demanded that the same be done for her. Link felt the curse seal on her and assumed the purification. Tayuya did not and assumed the fun. Both were right, but the special jonin only received the first half of her request.

Though, to be fair, she certainly made her intent known once she had her curse seal removed. Link just made his intentions known much more decisively by leaping out of the window.

And because the goddesses clearly have an agenda, who should he find himself standing in front of but the Genjutsu mistress herself. He planned to jump to the side and be on his way, but Anko decided to call on her friend for help, since she would have to put something on before pursuing.

Kurenai had learned it was usually for the best to help capture anyone her eccentric friend was chasing, if only to reduce collateral damage. She flew through her hand signs and made an illusion of the ground rising to cover him. Undeterred, Link continued through the illusion only to be confronted with the woman herself hidden under a genjutsu. Such illusions mattered little to him, though, and he locked onto her with his "L-targeting" skill.

The Jonin frowned as she recast the genjutsu and tried to feel if it was somehow being negated or dispelled. She could feel that the genjutsu was still in place, but the boy was still staring straight at her. She shuffled to the side, and felt a drop of sweat as his head followed her.

Link gave a heavy sigh as he gave up attempting to communicate non-verbally with the woman blocking him. 'Please let me pass. I just purified that woman from a curse and she will be down to drag me away any second now. I would prefer to remain unmolested by women thinking they are thanking me.'

Kurenai didn't pay any attention to the second half of his statement, instead focusing on his claim to have destroyed her friend's curse seal. A plan formed in her head and she grabbed the boy before rushing off.

Anko arrived just as they took off. The snake woman fell to her knees and pounded her fist on the ground. "'Nai-Chan, that's not fair! I saw his first!"

-Outside the Kurama Clan House—

"Yakumo was my student, but I failed her. I gave up trying to teach her because of her weak body, but it crushed her dream. Her subconscious took over her power and developed into a monster that I was forced to seal away." She turned away from staring blankly at the house and turned to the long-eared young man with her hands clasped together in pleading. "If you can, Please, help her!"

Link gave a heavy sigh before responding. 'There will be side effects. You'll need to be immediately teaching her and directing her. The destruction of the subconscious is not something done lightly.'

"Wait… Destroy? That's… not possible, is it? It's a collection of thoughts, not a rock."

Link shook his head in disbelief, and Kurenai found herself enjoying the way his ears moved. 'I killed my own shadow. It was difficult, but I don't see why everyone else seems to think it's impossible.'

The red-eyed woman found her own dark desires acting up as she imagined what she could do with a blonde boyfriend that had no selfish desires to get in the way of what she wanted. She was about to shake the ideas away, but then those thoughts conjured the image of the blonde with his head between her legs and his tongue busy while her hands enjoyed exploring his ears.

Link turned back to ask about the girl's powers but noticed that the woman was drooling with her eyes glazed over. He silently mourned for the coming trouble, and opened the door to the compound.

-Kurama clan, Training Room—

Yakumo Kurama had been spending her days staring out her window, and let her hands twitch in desire to take up her brush and paint something. But she had nothing with which to paint, and nothing to do ever since Kurenai had betrayed her. Her hands slowly curled into fists when a knock interrupted her fuming.

A servant let in a blonde boy about her age. Yakumo was about to turn away when the light stuck his face and she time seemed to stop. She vaguely heard an explanation about how he was going to help her, but her mind was occupied with that scene.

Link gently led the Kurama heiress by the hand to an indoor training ground, and silently gestured for her to stand in the middle of the open space. He went around and placed his hand on each wall and the floor, leaving a blue crystal to prevent collateral damage. Once the arena was prepared, he pulled out a handful of seeds that looked like upside-down question marks. He ground them up and mixed the powder with a blue potion, and added diced pieces of Stamina fruit. The resultant potion was poured into a bottle and Link sampled it before handing it to the girl. She drank, her face already holding a light blush from the indirect kiss.

The feeling of heat soon increased, and spread throughout her body. Her whole body flushed, and she felt like she was on fire before it suddenly ceased. Her legs gave out, and the blonde caught her in his arms. He carried her to the servants huddled outside the door and placed a protective crystal around the opening before turning back to face the Monster that looked like her.

Yakumo was once again struck with inspiration as the combatants faced each other. One was a super-powered force of nature that could not be defeated in combat, and the other had horns. She began to wish that she herself was in the picture, possibly standing behind the knight as he protected her, or maybe behind the monster so the brave knight would be rescuing the fair maiden.

In the meantime, Link had progressed to combat. He pressed the attack, denying the Ido time to cast a complicated genjutsu, but had scored no solid hits yet. Frustrated with the stalemate, the Ido made a simple genjutsu of a wall, and began to weave hand-signs for something more fatal. However, its focus caused it to lose track of its target. Yakumo, however, saw what happened. Link stopped at the wall, then with nothing a snap of his fingers he turned himself invisible. Link proceeded to walk through the wall, and revealed himself behind his opponent. But rather than attack, he made his presence known with a powerful voice that made the heiress fall in love. "I am giving you one chance to change. Give up your desire for the destruction of this village and rejoin Yakumo."

The monster made its intentions clear by unleashing an illusion of a fiery heel-scape upon the blonde, who made no move to counter. On the contrary, he stood in the midst of the fire completely unaffected, and only his tunic had changed as it was now red. Before any of those watching could get over their shock, Link pulled out a bow and shot the fire causing it to freeze solid. The monster stood still in shock at the loss of control over its own genjutsu. It quaked in terror as Link slowly walked toward it, the tongues of flame crunching under his boots.

It snapped back when he was only a handful of steps away and tried to bombard him with spike of ice. Link never slowed not stopped in his approach, deflecting every attack with his sword. He soon stood in front of the monster and glared down at it. In a final desperate attempt to destroy its enemy, the Ido summoned a bolt of lightning, but the bolt was caught in the blonde's sword, which soon found its mark in the monster's chest.

Yakumo stared in awe at the victorious young man in front of her, backlit by the still rising sun. She demanded paints and a canvas, and the servants quickly supplied them. For the first time in a long time she made a painting for herself. She painted herself with the new object of her obsession, and let the illusion settle on her so she could feel the phantom of his kiss on her lips.

-Flashback End—

Link once again stared in despair at his team. His teacher had demanded that she be the team's sensei to thank him for getting rid of her curse seal. His red-headed teammate demanded to be on his team as thanks for rescuing her from Orochimaru. And his final teammate demanded to be on their team since he was the only one capable of creating her medicine to keep her body strong. All three of them had gained an obsession with him after he saved them from a terrible fate, and were all willing to go to any extreme to become one of his girlfriends. And it was only a matter of time before they started co-operating, they always did eventually. If it wasn't from despair at slow progress, it would be after they saw with work for days at a time without rest. But at least he could count on some time when they would trip each other up, so he wouldn't have to be as careful for a while.

"Alright girls and stud, I'm supposed to give you a test to see if you're worthy to become genin, but I don't feel like it. Instead we're going to do teamwork exercises."

' _And there goes that hope. At least training will be a period of safety.'_

"First exercise is team strip sparring, boys vs girls! Every hit is a piece of clothing!"

' _Curse you Hokage! You're an evil and perverted old man! I hope you suffer the just deserts of your scheming!'_

- **Chapter 3 Done** —

And the reason why Link doesn't want a harem comes out! He's just looking out for the future of mankind. Or is it that he just doesn't have the same level of libido as normal males since he destroyed his id? Or is it bad experiences with the Gerudo? Or maybe the writer doesn't actually care about a consistent reason and is just having fun torturing a chaste hero? Continue reading to not actually find out!

Next chapter will be a shorter one focusing on Naruto and the other genin and what sorts of changes have occurred from Link's intervention.

Till then, may your night be filled with the light of the sun.


	4. Team Trial

The Issue with Post-Game Crossovers; LoZ/Naruto

Chapter 4; Team Trial

 **This will be a series of connected one-shots featuring Link from the Legend of Zelda, (complete with all of his items and upgrades from every game,) in the Naruto world. This is meant to be a parody of bad cross-overs, and will feature a vastly overpowered Link amassing a(n unwanted) harem, and a Naruto who is slightly more mature. This is not mean to be taken seriously. I don' own the Legend of Zelda or Naruto. Enjoy Reading.**

 **Naruto's generation is aged three years so that Link can be the same age as them while having flirting from the older kunoichi not be quite so weird.**

"speech" " _thought"_ **"Giant Summons, Bijuu, Bosses"** 'Link Speaking'

Get it? Got it? Good!

-Leaf Village Academy, Three minutes before teams are announced—

All of the students who had passed were sitting in their chairs waiting for Iruka to finish his speech when pandemonium erupted. A window blew open and a Jonin called her team before any teams were even announced. The fact that she did so without giving the names of her new students only furthered the madness. While the true recipients left quickly and easily, the teacher had to call back-up to prevent any of Link's horde of fans from crawling out the window claiming to be one of their idol's teammates.

Once the female half of the class had been forcibly restrained, the teams were finally able to be announced. "Team Seven is Naruto Uzumaki." The Blonde jinchuriki perked up his head. "Sakura Haruno." Naruto was happy that his crush was on his team, and Sakura was trying to figure out if Link would go out with her if she held the annoying blonde hostage. "And Sasuke Uchiha." Naruto slumped in his seat, Sakura considered whether her chances were better with the anti-social avenger or the blonde hero, and Sasuke tried to brood while ignoring his restyled red pompadour.

"Team Eight is Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame, and Hinata Hyuga." The three clan children didn't move, each listening with half an ear as they were off in their own worlds.

Kiba was still sulking at losing his position as top dog due to foolishly challenging the new kid. His large dog, Akamru, rubbed his human partner's head with his paw trying to make him feel better. "He turned himself into a wolf and did a backflip, Akamaru, how am I supposed to counter that? How does a wolf even do that!?"

Shino was secretly asleep sitting up, since he had been given the task of sorting and integrating all of the insects that the Hylian had given him. Somehow the blonde was holding almost a hundred hornets in suspended animation, along with a number of dragonflies, butterflies, different types of beetles, mantises, fireflies, and other bugs that were obviously caught wild. Then there were the golden bugs, they completely stumped the elders of then hive, and had to be separated out for further study. He had gone into sleep mode at the start of the speech, and was waiting for his hive to alert him of his teacher's appearance.

Hinata was just fantasizing about her favorite blondes. Link made an effort to train his cousin, and she was often there to watch. While Naruto still had first place in her heart, she had been seeing both of the blondes in her fantasies lately. The particular tale her mind was weaving today had her especially enthralled; her imagination usually left her with enough presence of mind to act normally, if embarrassed, but this one had her completely out of it.

Iruka shook his head and moved on with announcing the teams. "Team Ten is Ino Yamanaka, Shikamaru Nara, and Choji Akamichi."

Ino stood and grasped the ears of her two teammates and tugged to get their attention. "Listen up. Since forehead has Link's cousin on her team, I'll need to exploit what I've been given. Lazy Bones; You are going to invite Link to play Shogi. Every. Day. No Excuses! And You'll take your sweet time, too! He has to have time to get to know me."

The shadow user finally opened his eyes to lazily look at his team-mate. "What happened to fawning over Sasuke?"

"Who?"

"Troublesome."

"Whatever, just do it. And for you, Glutton, I expect you to invite Link for dinner with our team at least once a week. And make sure there's something I can eat with my diet."

"What does he even eat? I've only ever seen him drink milk."

Ino stopped dead, and pulled her hands to her face in a vain attempt to contain the evil giggle bursting forth. "I've found your weakness, Link. You'll soon find that you can't resist my charms. Once I find some way to convince my dad to let me buy that cow swimsuit, you'll become mine! Mwha ha ha!"

Choji looked over to his teammate hoping for an explanation for their female teammate's behavior, but found the genius even more confused than he was.

"And team … 69… Is Link Hyrule, Red headed tsundere, and the genjutsu yandere. Damnit, Don't mess with the team roster, Anko!" His cries fell on deaf ears as the culprit was already distant, and the other Jonin took their students without fuss.

-Classroom, Two hours Later—

"He's Late!"

"Yeah Sakura! He deserves to be punished for making us wait!"

"Hn."

The three genin of team seven were left in the classroom, as their Jonin-sensei had yet to arrive, despite the two hours they had been waiting. Iruka had left once teams were announced to hunt down Anko, so the thee teens were alone.

The pink haired girl gave a huff and pulled the door open. "I'm leaving. Ino-pig is probably already finding some way to get to Link!"

Naruto stood up and threw out his arm dramatically. "Don't! The moment you leave, the sensei will arrive! It happens without fail! Every time!"

Sasuke looked up from his brooding to give uncharacteristic assent. "He's right, you know. Every time. Those doctors can read your mind." Seeing that his two teammates were looking at him strangely, he fixed his face back into a brooding scowl and finished with an insult. "But it makes sense that a loser like you would have plenty of experience with that."

Naruto growled, but sat back down and turned his attention to the stack of papers that he had in front of him. Sakura turned her attention to her blonde teammate and for the first time realized that he was actually reading something. "You can read?!"

This off-hand comment triggered an intense internal debate inside of the blonde. Hundreds of differing thoughts and goals raced through his head. This chaos quickly subsided at the sound of ringing bells, announcing the arrival of the personification of the blonde's yearning for affection.

The Naruto clone was wearing a wedding suit, and his off hand was constantly occupied nervously snapping a jewelry box open and closed. "Brothers, this is one of the greatest crisis we have ever faced. If the answer is incorrect, Saku-chan may never realize her true love. Worse case, death by beating. Any suggestions?"

The personification of stealth, wearing an orange one piece body-suit, stood and shouted his suggestion silently.

That launched them back into chaos as Hokage Naruto, Prankster Naruto, Pervert Naruto, Cool Naruto, Emo Naruto, Gardener Naruto, Ramen Chef Naruto, Rational Naruto, and the Contingent of Naruto for Other Girls all simultaneous tried to push their opinion.

The hubbub immediately ceased at the sound of ringing steel. The newest part of the psyche, the orange tunic wearing Link Naruto, had taken the stage and drawn his sword. "Say nothing. Just stare deep into her eyes and make her stare into yours. Let the full truth float on your mind and offer it to her eyes."

Outside of Naruto's hyperactive mind, the debate took less than a second. Naruto turned his head and stared into his crush's green eyes. She blushed at his intensity, but couldn't bring herself to hit him. At least, until Sasuke broke the spell. "The Utterly Courageous Hero. By Jiraiya, the Author of Make-Out Paradise. Is this porn?"

A new voice cut in over Naruto's pleading for Sakura to stop hitting him. "Of course not, Make-out Paradise is smut. Porn requires pictures. Now I'll just take this, and you can meet me at training field seven at sunrise tomorrow. Oh, and don't eat Breakfast." The white haired man grabbed the stack of papers, and disappeared in a swirl of leaves leaving the three genin behind.

"It wasn't even dirty…"

"Shut up, Naruto!"

-Training Ground 7, 11 O' Clock—

The three teammates sat in a row, despairing of their sensei ever arriving. After five hours, the silver haired jonin casually ambled onto the training field with his nose buried in a book. The genin would have united to call out their teacher, but were just too hungry and tired. Disappointed at the lackluster reaction, he decided that more riling up needed. "Sorry I'm late, but a black cat tore up the manuscript I took, so I had to put it all back together, and then transfer all of the writing to a new book, and had to get that book bound. And since this is a new book, I obviously had to re-read the other books in Make-out Paradise first. And you can't just read material like that without acting on it. After the second volume, my hands were cramping so-"

"We get it pervert. The Pervy Sage was bad enough, now I have to deal with a Pervy Sensei!"

Kakashi gave a smile through his one visible eye. "You should save your energy for the test. You goal is to take one of these two bells from me. Whoever manages to retrieve a bell passes and gets to eat."

The three genin hopefuls of team 7 got into combat stances as they began to realize the Jonin's scheme. But before any of them had the chance to act, they were distracted by a jingling sound coming from a source outside of their teacher. All four ninjas turned to the source of the sound and saw a blur of green and tan. Kakashi revealed his Sharingan to prepare for an attack, but was still caught off guard. He was the only one able to make some sense of the image, and he quickly wished that hadn't. Ignorance would merely have bruised his pride rather than destroying it.

The blur was Link, half-stripped and heavily drugged. Despite the glass of sedation and aphrodisiac over his eyes, his face was still set like steel. He dashed right up to the jounin and thrust the ornate shield into his face. Kakashi reeled back from the blow, and tried to figure out what was happening, but the shield blocked his view. Behind the shield, Link coiled his legs and leapt over the Jonin, laying a strike across the silver haired man's head with the flat of his blade.

While Kakashi was trying to recover his senses, Link continued his attack. He rolled close to the ground and below Kakashi's sight to arrive at the man's side where the bells were hung. Finally in position, The hero pushed himself off the ground and laid a careful strike against Hatake's side to sever the string of the bells. The blonde grabbed the bells and used his hook-shot to fly up into the trees and disappear.

The entire exchange took less than a second, and left behind a dazed Sensei and a shredded tunic. The three genin stood stock still in confusion before Naruto decided to try to take advantage of the situation. He was within arm's reach when he was suddenly knocked aside.

"Master Link was definitely here! He left his tunic behind, so he obviously did _something_ here."

Two kunoichi had arrived on the field, and were the cause of the blonde's fall. The one with brown hair was devouring the scent on the discarded clothing as the one with red hair was glaring at everything like it just kidnapped her puppy and was holding it for ransom.

Kakashi had just begun to come back to full awareness when he felt himself get pulled off the ground. When his eyes finally adjusted, he realized that the one holding him was one of Anko's students. That was not a good sign.

"Alright shit-head, you have ten seconds to tell me which way the blonde went before the genjutsu starts. If you don't talk, you'll never be able to read your porn without pain again."

The Jonin pointed in the right direction, but grabbed the girl before she was able to rejoin the chase. She looked back with a curse on her lips, but bit it back upon seeing the look on his face. "I don't appreciate getting dragged into something without knowing what's going on."

Tayuya forlornly stared as Yakumo got a head start hunting down their crush. She twirled back and laid a slap across the Jonin's mask. "I honestly don't give a fuck, Shit-Face: Anko-sensei gave us some fucking training, and we need to get those bells from Naruto-kun's boxers so we get to decide the next team building activity. Happy now, Shit-Face?"

The white haired man released his grip, and slowly fell to the ground in despair.

Once the interlopers had departed, the three genin huddled over their near-comatose sensei. Naruto took to poking the Jonin with his foot to rouse a response, but only elicited a groan. He turned to his fellow teammate hopefuls and shook his head. "He doesn't have the bells, does that mean that we pass?"

Sasuke gave a non-committal grunt and walked away. Sakura pulled out a calendar and double checked the day of the week before she had to settle for chasing after the Uchiha for a date.

Naruto just shrugged at the lack of teamwork and sat down to eat the two lunches, occasionally poking the Hatake.

-Forest of Death-

Link finally landed back at the assigned training ground as the alarm rang. His two teammates had already returned, and were preparing a trap, but had to surrender. The still shirtless young man proudly marched himself to the half-naked Jonin and pulled out the stolen pair of bells.

Her face actually split into a wider grin at the sight. "Congratulations sword boy. You get to pick the next activity. Buuut, we have a visitor!" The special jonin gave an unnaturally happy laugh as she motioned for the guest to reveal herself.

A woman in an ANBU mask stepped out of the tree line and glared at the other woman. "Anko, this is serious! The kunoichi is nearly delirious!"

Link paled as he slowly began to put pieces together. _"She wouldn't… no wait, she's definitely going to."_

The snake mistress's smile only grew further. "I'm very serious. I'm just pre-emptively enjoying what's going to happen." She pulled a blindfold over the eyes of the Hylian her before laying a slap on his ass. "This hunk of meat is gunna give us quite the show!"

Link once again cursed the goddesses as he was dragged to another misadventure.

 **Chapter 4 Done**

Link's shenanigans continue. Next time; Karin, and Link takes action to counter his fangirls.


	5. Hot Springs Episode

The Issue with Post-Game Crossovers; LoZ/Naruto

Chapter 5; White Knight

 **This was supposed to be a series of connected one-shots featuring Link from the Legend of Zelda, (complete with all of his items and upgrades from every game,) in the Naruto world, but It has turned into a normal story with a random update schedule. This is meant to be a parody of bad cross-overs, and will feature a vastly overpowered Link doing his best to not amass a harem, and a Naruto who is slightly more mature. This is not mean to be taken seriously. I don' own the Legend of Zelda or Naruto. Enjoy Reading.**

 **Naruto's generation is aged three years so that Link can be the same age as them while having flirting from the older kunoichi not be quite so weird.**

"speech" " _thought"_ **"Giant Summons, Bijuu, Bosses"** 'Link Speaking'

Get it? Got it? Good!

-Three days after Team Assignments—

Jiraiya pressed himself flat against the wall as sweat dripped from his brow. He was currently on a mission more dangerous than any he had taken since the war. The enemy was merciless, and this was their most guarded stronghold. But the information that he had come to obtain was far too important, he couldn't stop, no matter the danger.

His sources had informed him of a gathering that would soon be happening here, and the knowledge could turn the tide in this never ending struggle. He expanded his senses and found one target already inside; female, jonin level, measurements impossible due to binding (estimated eight point three percent off Golden, top heavy.)

He was about to create a hole to view the proceedings, but his sexth sense told him to stop. The feeling of utter dread that could only come from one of three people washed over him, and a simple matter of deduction left him to realize that the snake mistress had entered the spring. That would make this even more dangerous, but also more rewarding. He ran through hand signs and subtly channeled his chakra through the wall dividing him from the intel. His chakra raced through the wooden barrier and left small holes, just large enough for a termite to crawl through. With phase one complete, the toad sage checked for any sign that he had been discovered.

At ten seconds he released his breath and pressed his ear to the newly made hole in the walls of the hot spring. He would have preferred to be using his eyes, but he was here for a different type of inspiration. His hands knew their roles, and pulled out his notebook and pencil. Make-out Paradise Heroes was going to be his best work yet.

-A Few Minutes Earlier-

Kurenai Yuhi let her red eyes gently close as she let out a satisfied groan at the feeling of the hot water relaxing her body. It was always easier to lie to herself in the hot springs. Hinata would definitely eventually work up the nerve to confess to the blonde Uzumaki. Anko already had her curse seal removed, and would surely grow up eventually. Yakumo was sure to grow out of her obsession with the Hylian. And the urges that bloomed in her own body at the thought of the long-eared hero were just her imagination acting up.

Her relaxation was cut short, however, when a splash came from her side and an arm snaked around her shoulder. "You're so wet, Nai-Nai. Were you thinking about a certain blonde haired elf-boy?"

Kurenai slipped out of her friend's grip and repressed a blush at the accusation. It was just from the heat anyway. "Anko, of course I'm wet; I'm taking a soak."

The snake themed Jonin let loose a smirk and tossed an emptied dango stick back through the entryway. "So you don't deny that you want his-"

"I SAID NO SUCH THING!"

Anko gave a very fake pout. "Ahh, but Nai-Nai, I already went through so much trouble to get him for you."

The sound of footsteps from the springs entry caused Kurenai to pale. Anko's two female students came out first, trying to drag a third person through the entry curtain.

The red eyed Jonin stood up, not stopping to realize that her towel was not covering her, and waded over to the entrance. To do what, no one would ever find out, since the two girls succeeded and revealed the ruse.

Rather than the blonde hero, it was a redhead that tumbled through the doorway. Anko was on the ground laughing, Kurenai was beginning to steam, and the new girl was doing her best to cover the handful of oval scars that marred her shoulders and neck.

A few bruises later, everyone was more subdued and soaking in silence. After a few minutes Kurenai gave an exasperated sigh and broke the quiet. "Alright Anko, I'll bite. Where did you get the redhead?"

Rather than the other Jonin answering, it was the girl in question who spoke. "I'm Karin. I defected from Grass because…. Of certain reasons."

The Uzumaki obviously didn't want to reveal whatever the reason was, but Anko was never one for such petty restrictions. "Our resident Lover-boy distracted her when she was supposed to be healing some big shot noble, so she got kicked out. She just wanted him to _take responsibility_."

Two girlish squeals and a squeak from the entryway indicated the addition of the three rookie genin kunoichi into the gathering. Hinata stood by the curtain blushing while Sakura and Ino rushed into the water to press for details. Kurenai was the first to notice that her student was hanging back, but the other Jonin was the first to take advantage. Anko leaned in close to the Hyuuga and was about to corrupt her innocent mind, but Kurenai came to the rescue.

"Aww, I just wanted to give her some good advice Nai-Nai!"

"Hinata, don't listen to anything Anko tells you. You don't want a boyfriend who only wants your body."

"But Nai-Nai, you have a really sexy body."

The purple haired young woman tried to get a grope of the other Jonin's bust, but was casually brushed off. Not one to be so easily denied, she wrapped her body about the red-eyed woman and an impromptu wrestling match soon began.

Which was the sight that greeted team nine's weapon using kunoichi when she arrived for her soak. A few bruises later and most everyone was soaking in silence.

"You're the ones giving kunoichi a bad name. Wresting naked on the ground- what are you, children? Tsunade would never have allowed something like that. Acting like love struck academy girls fawning over a stuck-up boy, Shameful! Throwing away training to stalk someone just because he's hot… and not using it for training!"

Tayuya took one of the saucers of sake that the purple haired Jonin had brought for the soak. "By the way, how's that stick-up-the-ass pretty boy you were following like a lost puppy? Got a date yet, or he still using you like a training machine?"

The weapon kunoichi grabbed one of the plastic saucers and chucked it, nailing the foul-mouthed redhead in the chin. "He's just a teammate! It was training!"

Tayuya rubbed her bruised chin with an impish smile. "The second then. Are you sure he isn't gay? I could have sworn he was eyeing up the Uchiha Dick-face. Bet he's the bottom. Though the stick up his ass is probably too big, Dick-face would never be able to satisfy him."

Tenten grabbed another saucer, but Kurenai grabbed her arm in a futile attempt to stop the escalation. "Tenten! If you can't control your emotions, your opponents will use them against you. Tayuya. That was uncalled for. She made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it, did she not? Treat your fellow shinobi with respect. I'm going to have a word with Lord Hokage about remedial teamwork exercises for both of you. And Anko." With that she caught the immature Jonin in a headlock. "If you have to bring alcohol, at least hide it from the genin. They're far too young to be drinking. Do I make myself clear?" Releasing the other woman, Kurenai sank back into the water. Unfortunately, not even the hot water could take away the stress of being the only mature adult keeping the chaos in check. "Now, aren't we due for an explanation about our new guest."

Anko bounced back from the scolding far too quickly to have taken any of it to heart. She threw an arm around the redhead and smiled. "She's permanent, actually. Got an anchor to keep her here, and since she never technically became a Grass ninja, they can't demand her back. Not that she'd actually go back, not after what lover-boy did to her."

Karin schooled her face and put on an aloof tone. "Sir Link disrupted my chakra when I was transferring chakra to heal the daimyo of Grass a week before I was to earn my headband. The results were… rather gruesome, and I was banished. I only came here because I wanted to make sure that something like that would never happen again."

"That's utter horse shit. I saw what you were doing with him, Lucky Bitch. Now be honest and tell us what he made you feel. I think it was something about having the sun licking your-"

A loud slap interrupted the foul-mouthed red-head. "I did not say that! My words were, having the sun between my thighs under a shady tree! Nothing as crass as what you said!"

"Oooh, she's denying that anything happened! That means they DID it! Did he use his tongue? How does he look under his tunic? How many rounds did he go? Are you gunna' have his baby?" This time it was Ino who interrupted, forcing herself into the conversation. "Did you get naked? No, she's definitely the type to do it clothed the first few times. That means… Ah! We're going to have to get you some _sexy clothes!_ " the amount of delight in her voice was both sickening and a little frightening.

"Fuck that! Luck Bitch isn't getting anything until she tells us Every. Fucking. Detail. I want my own turn on that stud."

"Yeah, I want to kiss him too!" Tayuya looked at Sakura in disbelief but quickly shelved that issue for later consideration.

Ino took center stage, and posed with her hands on her hips. "So spill! Or I'll go into your head and make you tell Link that you're cheating on him!

Karin switched to shy and embarrassed as she sank back into the water and began her tale.

-Two Days Earlier, Karin POV-

Karin continued to stagger forward, as she had been doing for over a month. She would have arrived at her destination long before now, but the last time she tried to use chakra she ended up embedded in a tree, ten feet off the ground.

Her chakra went crazy every time she so much as thought about the blonde.

If her body didn't always convulse with pleasure whenever she tried to use chakra, she would be quite annoyed at the inconvenience. As it was, she destroyed the tree and walked the rest of the way.

Not that that was uneventful, either. Every time she thought of the hero her body and chakra would flare up and she would get absolutely soaked. The smell of sweat was so thick not even a bath in a stream managed to help.

It would have taken her three more days to arrive at the village at her current pace, but a fateful encounter sped her on her way. It happened just as she was coming out from one of her baths that a masked Leaf ninja landed on the bank. Neither expecting the other, the two stared at each other in silence for a minute before the ANBU fell into a coughing fit and Karin realized that she was naked.

Within an hour Karin was delivered to an interrogation room and the other ninja was admitted to the hospital for treatment. She very calmly explained why she came, and politely requested assistance from the blonde who had put her in such a state. The treatment was very professional, and she most certainly did not fall in love with the stubborn blonde. As a part of the treatment-

"You Lying Bitch! I saw the way you were glowing after your 'treatment'. If that's professional then one of you has to be a prostitute. Either there's gunna' be a baby soon or his tongue can use a kunai."

Karin opened her mouth to retort, but was interrupted by a loud squeak, followed immediately by a puff of steam escaping and a splash.

"She killed Hinata! Sakura, hold her down, we have to avenge our friend! If she's not telling the only options are blackmail and mind control, and I'm all out of blackmail." The pink haired girl locked the dazed Uzumaki in a textbook perfect full nelson. Ino placed her hands in the sign and made sure to pose with the sun behind her for full dramatic effect. "Any last words, _KARIN_ UHh…umm… what's your last name again? I don't think you gave it."

Yakumo threw up her hands in disgust and tossed away her latest attempt at a painting, as Ino had just killed the mood.

"Uzumaki?" Karin was thoroughly confused by the situation, and her statement came out as a question.

"Uzumaki? You're related to that knucklehead?"

The redhead slipped out of the lock and grabbed the blonde's shoulders. "You know another Uzumaki? He's locally famous? It won't take him long; where are the towels? I can't let him see my scars!"

"Where are you talking abou-"

A whooshing of wind cut her off as Link and Naruto appeared near the entrance to the pool. Link had his arms and face pointing up to the sky, but Naruto looking around in amazement. The hyperactive blonde continued to gaze in wonder until his eyes fell on a very angry and very naked Haruno. He froze. She did not.

Meanwhile, Link was keeping his gaze directed to the heavens, ignorant of the context for his distant cousin's danger. He was, however, aware of the danger afflicting the girls. "It had to be a hotspring… Naruto, make sure to keep your eyes away from them; the added heat can cause dizziness, fainting, weakness, irrational decisions, spontaneous love confessions, spontaneous combustion, and spontaneous fanservice. It truly is the most dangerous place for a warrior; It attacks the mind while the body has its guard down. Far too many relationships had their start from a hotspring; Relationships that had no love or true affection, but were held together by carnal lust and the band of law. How they chafed under those rules…"

The Hylian hero continued on with his soliloquy, despite knowing that no one was listening to him. Instead, the girls were giving token effort to calming Sakura, said girl was working up the proper amount of rage with which to Pummel Naruto, and said boy was trying to calm himself with the fantasy that this would be the start of his relationship with his aforementioned teammate.

"The fire element present in the water easily transfers to the blood, and from there to the Earth of the body, calming it; but also to the wind of the spirit, consuming it. Under normal circumstances, the spirit would be easily replenished, but the purity of the air is low due to the bonding of water with the wind…"

Finally in a proper rage, Sakura stomped over to her victim, her body now conveniently covered in a fog of obscuring steam generated from the flames of her rage. She towered over the accidental pervert and lifted him up by the collar of his jacket. "NARUTOOOO! I'm gunna' kill you Pervert!"

But before the blow landed, an uncertain voice echoed out from the entryway. "Noooo. That's MY Naruto. He always gets front. Mine."

Sakura slowly lowered the boy in question and stared at the sleep talking Hyuuga. Kurenai was in the process of moving her when the two boys appeared. Since Hinata was already out of the way, the sensei was free to stop Anko from taking advantage of the situation. But now the shy girl was unconsciously saving her crush from his crush's wrath, and also giving the Hero of Time an idea to solve his problems.

Fully aware that no one was paying any attention to him, Link ended his soliloquy and initiated his plan. 'Such is the hotspring. But I'm going to send Hinata and her crush to a locked room so they can work out their feeling. Speak up if you have any objections. No? Great. The rings are in the room already; Have fun, Lovebirds.'

Before anyone thought to act, a gust of wind carried Naruto and Hinata away to an unknown destination. That just left Link as the only male in a group of women who now have the perfect excuse to capture and interrogate or blackmail the blonde. In hindsight, that was not exactly the smartest move for someone hoping to avoid adding to his harem while being cursed with unnatural automatic seduction and in a village that loves powerful bloodlines.

Skipping through his daring escape (using only a replacement bowstring, one of the hotspring's towels, four empty bottles, and the spring's water skimming pole) Link stretched his arms out above his head and gave a hearty sigh. ' _I never did get to introduce Karin to her cousin before I left… There will be time later. I really hope that none of the girls were picking on her, she really needed a relaxing soak after her long walk over here_. _I'm just glad that she was fine after the foot rub I gave her, it's always nice to see a pretty girl with a happy glow._ '

-Meanwhile, back with Jiraiya—

The Toad Sage could barely contain his glee as he looked over his notes. The girls were practically writing his stories for him now, and he didn't even have to get beaten up for it!

Right on cue from the goddess of irony, an alarmed shout came from inside the hotspring. Snakes burst from the ground and Jiraiya cursed himself for jinxing his success.

 **Chapter 5 Done.**

This would have been done much sooner if not for Breath of the Wild. But it was all related research, right?

Also, for his long distance travel, Link used Farore's Wind. Think of it like a magical Hiraishin, but the mark is straight magic rather than ninja seal magic.

If people want me to keep writing this, I will. Otherwise, I'll do another chapter of 5 Kage before putting in a chapter for Will of Chakra. At least, that's the idea. Otherwise, tell me what you want to read in the reviews.


	6. Anti-Harem Reason 1

The Issue with Post-Game Crossovers; LoZ/Naruto

Chapter 6: First Reason

 **This was supposed to be a series of connected one-shots featuring Link from the Legend of Zelda, (complete with all of his items and upgrades from every game,) in the Naruto world, but It has turned into a normal story with a random update schedule. This is meant to be a parody of bad cross-overs, and will feature a vastly overpowered Link doing his best to not amass a harem, and a Naruto who is slightly more mature. This is not mean to be taken seriously. I don' own the Legend of Zelda or Naruto. Enjoy Reading.**

 **Naruto's generation is aged three years so that Link can be the same age as them while having flirting from the older kunoichi not be quite so weird.**

"speech" " _thought"_ **"Giant Summons, Bijuu, Bosses"** 'Link Speaking'

Get it? Got it? Good!

 _Reason Number 1 to NOT have a Harem: Never Enough to Keep up with Demand_

-After the "Hot-Springs Incident", Hokage's Office—

"She obviously had a crush on him. All I did was give her time and a place to work up the nerve and confess. I don't see why that requires this interrogation." Link sat on a chair surrounded by unlocked chains in the middle of a gathering of the highest levels of the Leaf Village military.

"To Where Have You Exiled My Daughter, Ruffian?" It was not a shout, Hiashi of the Hyuuga was far too controlled to shout.

'I already told you, she's in the Anniversary Suite. I plan to let them out tomorrow or the day after; just wanted to be sure that she'd have time to confess her feelings. I know what I'm doing, I've helped lovers get together before.' Link showed no signs of stress despite his situation, and had already unlocked the manacles on his hands with the magic key.

"HE DOES NOT HAVE MY APPROVAL! Where. Is. She." Hiashi moved to strangle the boy but Hiruzen stepped in.

"Link, removing a shinobi from the village is a crime. Tell us exactly where they are and you will be forgiven on account of your ignorance. But if you-

'I didn't take them out of the village.'

"WHAT?"

'Seriously? The renovation of the clan home was funded by the council, didn't you look at the map before approving it?' The Hokage gestured and two ANBU ninjas raced off to the archive room. 'It's in the village, safe, stocked, ventilated, and it even has child-locks to protect innocent eyes. Really, it's just tossing the two into a very fancy closet. The door doesn't even lock, so you just have to be smart enough to figure out that you have to lift it using the bar.'

-Anniversary Suite—

Naruto pounded on the door, desperate to draw someone's attention so that they could escape. Hinata had fainted less than ten seconds after the two of the appeared together on the heart shaped bed that dominated the room. He needed to find someone to help the girl, but the door wouldn't open and the only other exit was the ninja glass skylight. He wasn't going to risk hurting Hinata with the sharp shards, so the door was the only option. But said door was obstinately refusing to move. He tried pushing, pulling, pleading, pounding, and even pulverizing the thing, but it was obviously locked. There wasn't a handle to turn, or a bolt to undo, so force was obviously the answer. With no choice left but to somehow break it down, Naruto threw off his jacket and shirt before he ruined them and made his favorite hands seal.

Hinata returned to consciousness just in time to see four extra, shirtless clones of her crush poof into existence.

"AHH! Hinata's bleeding from her nose! Somebody help!"

-Hokage Tower-

'I'm sure they'll be fine. If worst comes to worst I'm sure that miss Shrinking Violet will be able to use her special eyes and help.'

-Anniversary Suite-

"Hinata! You're up! The door is locked, can you see any way to get it open?"

The veins around her eyes bulged as her vision expanded. She quickly deduced the answer of how to get out, but also found a bigger and better reason to stay in the room. "N-n-n-Naruto!"

"She's fainted again! Oh no, did using her chakra make her faint? Ahh! More bloody Nose! Help!"

-Hokage Tower—

'Though I did activate the child safety so the door can only be opened from the inside. And it's soundproof. And I make it a rule to not interfere with other's love confessions, so I'm not going to help. And I really don't see any reason why I'm still here, since I haven't committed any crimes.'

"I'm not leaving my daughter with that…that demon beast! Who knows what he could do to her!"

'Aww, it's so cute that he's already trying to scare off her boyfriend.'

"Yes, Quite." The Hokage flashed a warning to the erupting father. "And isn't it funny how it flared up after all this time of all but disowning her? Why I was just about to think that he had given up any parental claim to her at all. And of course it is just the fact that he's going to be dating your daughter that makes you dislike him. It would be terrible if one of our esteemed clan leaders BROKE A LAW in such a way."

"It's heartless, uncontrolled and uncontrollable. It is a restless evil, full of virulent poison!"

'Are you talking about an uncontrolled tongue?'

"…The appendage on the other side of the body."

'…The toes? Never mind, I have a goddess to please waiting for me and Ammy always insists on having a seat of power in the sun, so unless the Hokage's office is open I need to carve a throne into the monument mountain.'

"Come back! My innocent little Princess is probably being pinned by that animal's unchained desires!"

-Anniversary Suite—

"Hinata? Please Help me, I can't reach the keys." Naruto, in his fumbling attempts to take the fainted Hyuga's temperature with his own forehead, had somehow managed to lock his arm is a pair of handcuffs attached to the headboard. The click set off Hinata's ninja instincts and the position of her crush hovering right above her sent her into a panic. Her hand lashed out and the boy collapsed onto the bed as she quickly flipped him over and chained his legs to the base of the bed before realizing just who she was restraining. She stood frozen for a minute before her mind overloaded at the early arrival of her Pervy Christmas. "Hinata, No! Great, I'm going to stuck like this till morning, aren't I?

-Next Morning, Link's House—

"Yes! Right there! Harder! Appease your goddess!"

"Link! You've been summoned… by… the Hokage… What are you doing with that wolf… and did it just talk?" The poor ANBU burst into the scene of Link cuddling a pure white wolf with one hand trailing over the canine's belly.

'I know what this looks like, and you're wrong. This is not a wolf, she's is a goddess.'

"I'm not judging. After all, there are far too many rumors about what the Inuzuka do with their dogs, and summons do get special privileges."

'Listen to what I'm saying! She's Ammy! She has a human form and a cruel sense of humor.'

"Whatever makes you feel better. Anyway, the Hokage wants you to report to training field seven to get an accurate inventory of your abilities. Be there before Kakashi or you'll be forced to help that lazy bastard with his Team from Hell." The ANBU looked back before leaving to throw a final joke and thought he saw a pale woman blowing a raspberry at him, but it was only the wolf panting in a decidedly pleased manner.

As the door closed Link turned to the snow-haired beauty in his arms. The smile on the woman's face could have melted his heart if the joke wasn't at his expense. He gave her a stern glare that didn't even relent when her face fell and caused the dog-ear shaped tufts of hair to droop and create the image of a sad puppy. Link traced the red accents that were spread over her body before he gave a playful poke to the base of her spine and untangled himself from her. 'You think you're really funny, don't you? If you really wanted doggy style you should have just told me.'

The woman gave a playful growl as she rocked up on all fours. "Don't be mad, I had to! That dog would have seen me naked otherwise! Where's your sense of possessiveness! You should be rewarding me for my loyalty to you. I accept pets, kisses, belly massages, and bones."

Letting himself be taken in, he leaned in for a kiss, only to change it to licking her nose at the last moment. He took a moment of pleasure in the cute begging face the goddess was giving before breaking the silence. 'Nice try Ammy, but I know you can summon clothes for yourself just as fast as you can transform. And Here I was, ready to visit the Inuzuka to get you some snacks, but after that I don't think I have time.'

The woman leapt onto his back doing her best to squish herself against his back and sound cute. "I'm sowwy for being mean. Can we pwease visit the dog people and get treats? Pwease? I'll hold the sun in place so you aren't late and let you use my cherry bombs~"

Link gave a laugh and 'After the meeting. And only if you're a good girl." He wrapped an arm around her waist for the walk, but she quickly corrected it to her ass with a wide smile.

-Training Field 7—

"You're Late! We've been waiting three hours!"

"Hey, Where's the idiot?"

Kakashi looked up from his book to acknowledge his two impatient students. "Most likely… creating material for Jiraiya's next book."

Sasuke tensed but Sakura gave a sigh of relief. "He's just helping his teacher, I was worried he was off doing something perverted. Although the history books never mentioned that Master Jiraiya of the Sannin ever wrote a book. It must be a master level sealing text!"

Kakashi gave a little giggle at his student's naiveté. "No, no, no, it's far more interesting than that. Jiraiya writes the Make-out Paradise series! Naruto is getting some experience in the field with the Hyuga Heiress, AND helping to restore his clan. He's multi-tasking now that I'm thinking about it." Another perverted giggle escaped. "But I've been neglecting your education on that, so I've decided that today will be your Smut Appreciation Day for training."

Sakura was saved by complete mental shutdown by the arrival of the Hokage accompanied by the Jonin instructors and their students. The Hokage gave a sly smile and waved to Kakashi. "How fortunate that you're here, Kakashi; An order went out for all of the Jonin with students to meet here, but I guess the messenger got caught on the road of life. I hope this won't be interrupting anything special you had planned."

Kakashi gave a disappointed Huff as Link struggled onto the field dragging a very unwilling woman in a white dress with red accents. "Can't we do it now? I promise I'll be a good girl, I'll even sleep in with you so you don't have to get up! We can go quick, it won't take any time at all!"

'Ammy, I love you, but I can't give you the care and attention you deserve and take care of Kakashi's team. We only have a week and I want to use it to its fullest.'

"Can't you just blow it off and say something came up? I wanted to watch you best all of the dogs in the neighborhood to defend my leg's honor."

'Ammy, we're almost there already. They can hear you.'

"Why didn't you tell me we were so close! I had my big reveal all planned out, and you ruined it! You have to let me be on top tonight to make it up to me!"

The Hylian gave a small smile and shook his head. 'You don't have to grasp at reasons, I'd do that for you anyway.'

The banter was cut off by a loud cough from the Hokage. "Link, it's obvious that you are above the rank of genin and would imbalance any team onto which you were placed permanently. But before we can figure out your status on a more permanent basis, we need to know the full extent of your abilities. The Jonin will create shadow clones to be your sparring partners. After that you can show us any other abilities you may have hidden up your sleeve."

'Strongest?' the Blonde hero gave a barking laugh before pulling out a long piece of blue cloth and wrapping it around his neck. 'It's time for the scarf of –'

"Nope, Wolf time." A pillar of light descended from the blazing sun and wrapped itself around the blonde. By the time anyone could see again the swordsman had been replaced by a golden wolf looking forlornly at white-clad woman. Said woman pulled out a large do bone and gave it a small lick. "They don't get to interrupt our cuddle time without punishment; tear through them and let's take over the kennels, I haven't been able to reward you for this morning yet."

The wolf gave low whine at the woman but was cut off by the feel of a paw on his shoulder. Akamaru had arrived to give his sympathy to the whipped wolf. "Pantpant, whine? Bark, bark growl whimper bark huff [Bitches, right? Man, you pack alpha types sure have it rough sometimes]."

'Whine bark growl, whimper [She understands you, ya know.]"

"Whine. weakgrowl whimper [shit. nice knowing you.]"

A sword materialized from thin air and imbedded itself into the ground between the two canines. Ammy casually walked over and hefted the large blade onto her back. "Isn't it nice to see you getting along. Now Link, Sweetie, what have I told you about your guy friends who try to insult me? Nevermind, I'm paying you back with interest right now; No one can say anything against me if you make your claim clear enough!"

' _Reason Number 1 to not have a harem: Never able to keep up with demands."_

-Anniversary Suite—

Hinata sighed as she snuggled into her husband's side. It felt so nice to get away from the kids for an evening and have the Hokage's attention all to herself for a night. She placed a smooch on the man's cheek and giggled when mumbled something about a few more minutes. Feeling bold, she wormed her way to her husband's waist and decided to wake her husband with some special attention. She drank in the sight of his blonde hair and held her breath for when she would see those blue eyes open. She pulled down the sheets and then she woke up.

-Anniversary Suite, Reality-

Hinata jerked awake. "I love you Naruto!" Only then did she realize her situation. She was laying on top of her crush, who was very awake and doing his best to rouse her. He froze when he heard her shout with a look of confusion. Any response was lost to her as she entered the darkness of unconsciousness again.

He did catch her though.

With his lips.

Not that he really had a chance to escape, she still hadn't managed to undo any of the handcuffs.

"Isn't anyone going to let us out? Hello?"

 **Chapter 6 done.** More Goddesses, more! Make poor link's overgrown harem even more difficult to manage! And any guest appearances aren't owned by me either.

In terms of future writing, I'm unlikely to do another chapter of this or 5 kage for a bit, but I'll probably do other one-shots. Maybe do a serious soul searching crossover with familiar of Zero. Or a crossover with RWBY. Who knows. Request are considered, but will likely only be one or two shots.

Points to anyone who recognizes the goddess. As to their relationship, I was aiming to display a sort of equivalent demanding nature from her. She asks for a lot, but what she does and gives in return is more that worth it. if a normal relationship is 50/50 this is the sort that would be described as 75/90. high effort but she puts in even more effort to make you feel good. She'd chew you out if you put your hand on her but without permission, but would move your hand there if you placed it on her lower back.


	7. Wave Hello Wave Goodbye

The Issue with Post-Game Crossovers; LoZ/Naruto

Chapter 7: Waving Hello/ Waving Goodbye

 **This was supposed to be a series of connected one-shots featuring Link from the Legend of Zelda, (complete with all of his items and upgrades from every game,) in the Naruto world, but It has turned into a normal story with a random update schedule. This is meant to be a parody of bad cross-overs, and will feature a vastly overpowered Link doing his best to not amass a harem, and a Naruto who is slightly more mature. This is not mean to be taken seriously. I don' own the Legend of Zelda or Naruto. Enjoy Reading.**

 **Naruto's generation is aged three years so that Link can be the same age as them while having flirting from the older kunoichi not be quite so weird.**

"speech" " _thought"_ **"Giant Summons, Bijuu, Bosses"** 'Link Speaking'

Get it? Got it? Good!

-Land of Waves-

"Give it back! It's mine!"

'Nu-uh. Catchers, keepers.'

"Kakashi! He already has a cool sword, tell him to give it to me!"

"That counts as an extra mission reward, right? I say we split it!"

"Notice me, Senpai!"

Kakashi sighed as he watched his three students, the infamous missing ninja Zabuza, and Link arguing over the possession of a famous sword that the criminal had thrown. Link currently held the position of power, holding the oversized sword in his personal pocket dimension, but the others were not giving up.

Kakashi, on the other hand, had already given up trying to reign in the madness that seemed to follow the heroic blonde. He was certainly a great comfort when it turned out that the mission was a far higher rank than advertised, but times like this almost made it not worth the extra security. If he wasn't naturally grey, dealing with the Hylian would definitely have made him so.

"Yes, thank you for helping me to take down Zabuza, but I really do need to return that sword to the Mizukage; it is a priceless historical artifact passed down from shinobi to shinobi for generations."

Oh, apparently Zabuza was killed by a hunter ninja while he was reminiscing. Honestly, there wasn't much further for this madness to go, so he just decided to come along for the ride.

'Since I helped to kill him, and I'm giving you the sword, can I at least have his heart?'

"No… but you can have mine! You've already stolen it! I love you! Take my body and use it as you will!"

'Ahhh! Stay away from me! Take it! Take it! Just leave me alone you crazed fangirl!'

The hunter ninja blew a kiss and disappeared with the body and the sword as Link cowered behind Sakura, who was the only one in a fighting stance. No one else could take combat seriously with the blonde hero taking out every opponent without difficulty. The bridge-builder hadn't even stopped walking for the interruption. The Jonin gave a sigh and called for the youths to follow him.

-Random Path of Ground, Wave Country-

Haku carefully removed the needles from the missing ninja's neck. Pressure points were sensitive things, touch a few of them the wrong way and the person you were trying to cure would instead explode into a gory mess after exactly three steps. Great for delayed assassinations of injured targets, but not so much for actual treatment.

A groan signaled Zabuza's return to consciousness. "Did you get my sword back? I need it to compensate for my terrible taijutsu. Are you listening Haku?"

"Yes, Master Zabuza. It's just that the boy who stole your sword wasn't like the rest. He called me a fangirl. Is that a local derogatory word? If so, what was he implying about me?"

"Wow, worried about what some boy thinks about you. Haku, I didn't take you for the type. After all, you've played on men's homophobia dozens of times without cracking a blush behind that mask of yours. I was kind of worried that someone would take the bait eventually. Guess you won't be able to use that ploy again if your actually becoming interested."

"Zabuza, you never told me what a fangirl is."

"Ah. Okay, well, when a woman loves a man that she doesn't know well very very much, she does stupid and crazy things, like agree with everything he says or does. He was saying that what you were doing seemed crazy to him."

"I see. One more question. Am I a woman?"

"…Figure it out yourself. I'm not looking in your pants."

-Tazuna and Grandson Bridge Builders Inc.-

"Dad! You're home! And you brought company!" The woman looked over the escorts before settling on the elf and trapping him in a hug. "Thank you so much for keeping my father safe." She leaned in closer to whisper. "I'll call you Daddy too, if you want."

Link froze as his mind went into overdrive. This behavior was hardly unusual, but not this quick. If she latched onto him before he even spoke then she was seriously desperate. And desperation gives strength. Escape that way is impossible. His hands were trapped, so his salvation would have to be an ability.

He was about to do something very rash, but a divine voice whispered in his ear, offering rescue for but a single night of extra attention. He accepted without thinking.

It was a testament to how much they had ceased to worry about the Hylian that none of the other ninjas even reacted to his disappearance. The widow was freaking out, half because of the sudden loss, and half because it meant her urges would be unfulfilled yet again.

"Alright. Come in, I guess." The ninja went off to their separate activities; Sasuke to brooding, Sakura to update her diary, Kakashi to read, and Naruto to do main character stuff like getting lost in the woods and running into the sympathetic villain of the arc. Meanwhile, Link was busy learning why you don't take up an offer from the Goddess of Time to save you in exchange for one night in her bed.

-The Next Morning-

It was morning, and for the first time in a while, the three genin were free from the presence and reputation of the Hylian hero, who was still missing. They were taking the opportunity to decompress and let out all their feelings.

"It's really crazy how a guy that skilled is related to me when I don't even know who my parents are."

"He's just too dreamy! How am I supposed to attract that? No, Sakura, don't give up! Love will find a way!"

"How dare he make me, an Uchiha, feel inadequate!"

"What's that, Sasuke? You feel that your kunai just can't compare to his longsword?" And then Kakashi decided to join the conversation and completely change its direction, not that the boys noticed the inuendo.

"Hm. He may be better equipped, but that doesn't matter. Once I unlock sharingan, I'll be better."

"Heh heh. So you plan to copy his moves? Maybe find out how to thrust right into the perfect spot?"

"Exactly. The Sharingan can pinpoint areas of weakness and the genjutsu abilities can achieve results far more potent than anything he could imagine."

"Ho, HO! I suppose that works for you, but most would likely find using illusions to be far less satisfying than doing it with your own equipment."

"They're fools. I have a goal, and I'm going to use all available tools to accomplish it."

The sound of a door signaled Link's entrance into the room. His clothes were torn and his eyes bloodshot. 'I heard your conversation and I have some advice. Always suspect a trap. Anytime you go where you have the possibility of meeting, be prepared for a trap. Even when there isn't a possibility of meeting anyone, be prepared for a trap. And for the love of the goddesses, never go into any situation expecting to just barely succeed, because when the trap is sprung your doom will be inescapable!'

Everyone in the room stared at him as he puffed in a near hysteric state. Naruto was the first to muster up the courage to speak. "Link… did something happen while you were gone?"

'Too many things… too many things…'

Kakashi tried his hand at cheering the Blonde with friendly pat on the back. "How bad could it have been? It was less than a day! Going by your reputation you should still be completely fine!"

'It was one hundred years on my end. One hundred years of sweet sleepless torture in the bed of the Goddess of Time. That tricky girl and her loopholes. She's unconscious, by the way, so no time travel until she gets up. She gets grumpy if she's woken with anything less than a full breakfast and make-out session.'

The ninja looked at each other and elected Naruto to be the delegate to the sleep-deprived Hylian. "Why are you telling us? As far as we know, time travel is impossible."

'They all say that, then BAM! Everything they know has changed and they're in the middle of a harem war!'

"Ummm." Desperate to change the subject, Naruto blurted out the first thing that came to his head. "So I ran into a crazy girl in the forest!"

This instantly had Link's questionably sane attention. 'How crazy? Keep in mind that my standards for crazy are much higher than normal.'

Naruto desperately searched for help that wasn't going to come. "Umm, after we gathered some flowers and talked about the purpose of a ninja, she stripped naked and asked if she was a girl, and if she could possibly be called a fan-girl…"

Kakashi decided to actually help his student and took up the burden of contributing to the conversation. "Speaking of which, Zabuza is still alive, and that hunter ninja is working with him. She was probably the one you saw in the woods, Naruto. We probably have about a week before he's in fighting shape again."

'You know what this means, don't you?'

Sasuke perked up. "Are you going to train us so we can kill Zabuza?"

'Kill him? No! that's the last thing we want. Then that crazy girl's going to stick to me, and I'm not cruel enough to force her off onto one of you.'

"It's so nice that you care about her feelings like that!"

'Her feelings? No, I'm trying to spare you three from that. Crazy girls like that always turn out to be cling-y and murder-y and they don't share. So what we need to do is kill Zabuza's employer so he isn't opposing us! Naruto! Flood the area with clones and find that gangster guy's hide-out! Sasuke! Prepare torches and light them! Sakura! Get the townspeople indoors so they aren't caught in the conflict! Kakashi! I'm pairing you with that random widow bridge-builder's daughter! Link! Take a nap, you look terrible! Now go!'

The blonde hero immediately fell to the floor, dead asleep. The shinobi looked at each other and shrugged before heading off to do their assigned tasks.

-Next Morning, Gato's Base-

"Sooo, that's his hide-out? It seems kind of complex for a criminal's base."

"Definitely is, Boss. We saw him go in. Short guy with a cane and sunglasses."

"Good work Random Clone! You're getting ramen tonight."

"Yay!"

'Good work, Naruto.'

"Link! Is there anything else I can do to help? That place looks pretty serious." The building in question had pipes and pumps sticking out of it at all angles and was belching an unusual amount of steam.

'No. Save yourself. Get as far away from this place as possible.'

"Is it that bad? Should I get Kakashi?"

'No, this is something I have to do myself. It's a Water Temple. A mutant child of my greatest trial. It's not too late for you though. Run back to the comfortable land of enemies who come out to fight you, and stay away from the dungeons.'

Tears welled up in the Jinchuriki's eyes. "Link… You don't have to do this…"

'I am the only one who can, there is no other option.'

"Link…"

'Naruto…'

A third, greasy voice interrupted the moment. "Excuse me? Are you going to come in and be frustrated by the minor inconveniences that I've set up for you? I upgraded to five different water levels and three different water flow directions just for you."

Link turned his attention to the cackling criminal standing out in the open between two goons. 'You monster! I bet you made the water levels only able to be changed in sequence and hid keys in all sorts of strange and random places that are hard to remember! Have you no shame?'

Naruto briefly considered fighting the three criminals, but decided to follow his cousin's lead in diplomatic relations. "But Link, don't you have that magic key that opens all normal locks?"

'That's not the point, Naruto. I mean, what if a casual wandered in here? They just might quit life! What would YOU do if you had to deal with five water levels and hunting down small keys, Hmmm?'

"I dunno, Shadow clone jutsu?"

'That… would actually work. But what about the water flow directions?'

"Umm, Shadow clone jutsu."

'True, true. The enemies?'

"Shadow clones."

'Boss?'

"Lots of shadow clones."

'… I'm going to have to learn that technique.'

"Isn't it great! Almost every problem can be solved with enough shadow clones! Maybe it's the solution to your girl problem!"

After a moment of contemplation, a pained expression crossed his face. 'No… not mine. It might be for yours, though. Congratulations, Naruto, you're being elevated to the level of apprentice hero. Your first quest is to infiltrate this base and defeat the boss. When you succeed, you will be rewarded with permission for a level one harem, and be one third of the way to earning a magic sword of your own.'

"How many dungeons before I become Hokage?"

'It varies, but normally less than ten. Certainly not more than fifteen.'

"I'm gunna be the Hokage for sure then! Believe-"

'In the goddesses and they will bless you. Now go!'

The hyperactive blonde rushed past the criminal tycoon and his goons and eagerly entered the facility.

A moment of silence enveloped the landscape.

'Ahhh… Nice weather… Isn't it?'

Gato said nothing.

His two sword wielding thugs were silent.

'I have masks… would you like to see them?'

Gato said nothing.

The shirtless thug on the left looked kind of uncomfortable. The punk looking thug on the right perked up. "Hell Yeah! I love masks! I used to have a whole bunch when I was a kid, but my mom made me throw them away. I kept a few though." He rustled in his cloak and pulled out a grinning orange fox mask. "I kept the set based on the Tailed Beasts. They're antiques from my great great grandad's time when the First Hokage gave out the monsters to the different villages! They say masks can actually help channel the power of the Tailed Beasts through the wearer! I've always been too scared to try them on, though, so I guess they're just decoration… But you know, there's this one mask I've been looking for and I'd be willing to trade…"

-Two hours of Tedious Water-Level Changing Later-

The sight that Naruto witnessed as he walked out of the temple was certainly not the one he was expecting. Gato looked like a paper bomb went off two inches in front of his face. That is to say, he didn't have a face anymore. The shirtless thug was wearing cat ears and making pawing motions at the air. And the punk looking thug was wearing bunny ears and chatting up a pair of local girls.

"What happened while I was in there?!"

'Nothing that important. You find any good items in there?'

"There was a bow that shoots underwater in a random chest that appeared after I killed the mini-boss."

'Cool, I'll trade you a mask that lets you control the power of a Tailed Beast.'

"What would I do with something like that?"

'I dunno. Trade it for something else in a chain until you get the ultimate weapon?'

"Fine, I'll take it. I'll even wear it if it's orange…"

'Then that should conclude our business here for now. We'll be back later for hidden chests and such, but those are best left for last.'

"Umm, shouldn't we gather the other before leaving? Maybe wait until the bridge is finished?"

'Nah, nothing's going to happen now and the others will catch up. So let's go! Onto the next quest!'

Meanwhile Kakashi giggled perversely as he cuddled deeper into the woman's embrace, Sasuke was trying to stop a forest fire from the pile of lit torches that he left lying around, and no one was listening to Sakura. None of them would notice the absence of the two blondes until they had all returned to the Leaf Village two weeks later.

- **Chapter 7 End-**

I feel that turned out rather well. Wave Arc in a fresh new take, while still evolving the characters. Thinking about it, I don't believe that I ever had Naruto in a situation where he would realize he was a jinchuriki. (I might have, but it this story isn't serious enough for me to care to look it up; there's like, six chapters to look through!)

Link gets to take a break by farming out dungeons to Naruto while chilling with some cool dudes. Gato kills himself from a drunken Blast Mask accident, and they all live happily ever after.

Not much to say, other than thanks for reading, and please leave a review telling me your thoughts or suggestions. And before anyone suggests, I'm not going to make this M. What happens is for you to imagine. But assume it's clean, there's a T rating to live up to, ya know.

Work has been light for the past few days, so writing has been unusually swift. Just don't get spoiled.


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